(Photo courtesy of www.2bangkok.com )

According to half the nation recently and the political fiasco going on, it seems that Thailand is about as democratic as you are martian. We have one 'middle-class' side claiming that everyone from the countryside is about as intelligent as a mangosteen and the other (the folk from the countryside that is) claiming that anyone with a high school certificate is about as mad as a rabid dog.

So ensuring that only the best caliber folk get the job of next managing the country, what is really needed is a list of dos and don’ts to voting. And a list has been just written – made up by only the finest academics. Leaked to us by some totally unreliable source we met in a Sukhumvit Road pub, here it is, yet another www.thai-blogs.com exclusive.

Dos

* Do take the advice of your local stray dog; the thing has probably smelled more crap than you have Bangkok exhaust fumes.
* Do take the advice of the blind guy selling lottery tickets; over the years, he’s seen more honest politicians than you ever will
* Do, if the creep offers to buy your vote, chuck a rotten egg in his face; he will certainly have deserved it.
* But… do, if yer shorta cash just take the money; vote for his opposition after though, and then chuck an egg at him.
* Do vote for the youngest person possible; chances are his mind will be less corrupted.
* Do ignore any wanna-be politician who spends tens of millions on his campaign; if he wins, the first thing he’ll be wanting to do is to get all that money back.
* Do, if you fancy it, vote for a woman; country’s gotta realize that a government made up of 98% men doesn’t do much good.
* Do listen to the recommendations of your local drunkard; he makes more sense than any bad-breathed canvasser ever will.
* Do perhaps vote for the best looking guy; if he wins, he may not need to spend all his salary on a pack of mistresses.

Don’ts

* Don’t vote for anyone whose huge mugshot billboard lines the streets of Bangkok; the geezer’s gotta realize how sick of his face you are.
* Don’t vote for any bloke who is over the age of 60; he’ll end up spending all his salary on Viagra.
* Don’t believe your canvassing politician is personally interested in you; if he wins, he’ll be more interested in finding a flock of new minor wives.
* Don’t vote for any guy who has been a politician for the past 30 years; he has probably switched more parties than you have clean underwear.
* Don’t vote for anyone who wears a red shirt; he only cares about his fuming-mad former fugitive boss in exile.
* And… don’t vote for anyone in a yellow shirt; you don’t need the country’s system to be taken back to that of 150 years ago.
* Don’t vote for any businessmen; if he wins, he’ll be paying far more intention on winning contracts for his company than of your whimsy complaints.
* And… don’t vote for any former cop or soldier; they have to realize that after 75 years the locals are sick and tired of men in uniforms meddling with politics.
* Don’t, if you live upcountry, vote for any idiot who drives his pick-up blaring propaganda at 7 o’clock in the morning; he has to realize that folk are sick of such noise pollution.
* Don’t take advice from any dodgy monk; his greasy palms will be itching for backhanders if he manages to swing the locals’ votes in the right direction.
* Don’t listen to the recommendations of your local village headman; his advice will be as believable as the monks.
* Don’t vote for anyone whose father is a former politician; you’d prefer someone who doesn’t take the advice of his old-man day-in day-out.

More of the Dos & Don’ts/Thailand series can be found here at: http://www.thai-blogs.com/index.php/c62/?blog=8