Daily Archives: May 11, 2009

10 (Big) Differences Between Thailand and England (Pt 1)

(The average size of a Thai ‘pub’)

If you are one of those folk who have Googled “What are the differences between the UK and Thailand?” and found this page, then welcome to thai-blogs.com. Seriously though, it may seem totally obvious to most of us, but to some others, they got know idea about some of the basic differences between Thailand and Farangland. Well, since I was brought up in the UK, mostly England, here are some of the clearest differences between The Land of Noodle Soup & Nose Jobs and The Land of Warm Beer & Wellington boots.

1. Pubs

The only main thing pubs in England and Thailand have in common is that they both sell alcohol. Where they differ is enormous. Unfortunately (or fortunately, whichever way you wish to look at it) the Thais have been totally indifferent to the original meaning of pub as in ‘public house’ and instead think it means a huge discotheque lead by flesh revealing singers, gyrating coyote dancers, and not a fire escape in sight. Compare that to fruit machines, granny barmaids and the one and only meat draw. Unlike in England, the pub owners don’t think you’re so daft to want to stand at a bar and so lay on seats. On the subject of service – if you fancy some girl, an English barmaid would probably flip-out if you asked her “Excuse me dear, you see that chick over there. Could you go and chat her up for me? If she’s not interested, do know any technical college student here wanting to make some extra cash in exchange for a quick fling?”

2. Criminals

Excluding a former prime minister, Thailand is certainly not renowned for smart criminals – in fact, the complete opposite, a land full of the daftest nuts east of a London loony bin. Instead of fleeing abroad immediately after the incident, Thailand’s bank robbers have more of a tendency to simply go back home upcountry and hope that no-one recognizes their face on the video shot posted on the evening news. Then, if the cops do come for a quick chat, the loft upstairs is the place to hide. Another splendid example of thieving idiocity in the Land of Tuk-tuks & Traffic Jams, is that unlike in England where thieves play a low profile after committing the crime, here they celebrate their new-found fortune by splashing out on a brand-new BMW, wads of gold, girls galore and huge donations to local temples. Just a little suspect behaviour, especially when the geezer still works at a bank which has just had someone pinch a couple of million baht from the ATM.

3. Funerals

Unlike back in England, where a funeral is a solemn occasion where it’s more than a sin to bicker about the deceased owing you ten quid, an upcountry funeral in Thailand makes a superb excuse to put on a party, gamble on cards, sing tonnes of karaoke and get plastered on cheap imported Scotch whiskey; all at the expense of the deceased person. Then, to cheer him up while looking down from heaven, lay on a couple of half-naked coyote dancers.

(Schoolgirls enjoying themselves after swearing on oath to keep their virginity till the day of marriage)

4. School System

I can’t really remember what I learnt in sex education in England, but in Thailand sex education comprising of having all the junior high girls swear on oath in front of a Buddha image “I will keep my virginity till the day of my marriage” while being sprinkled with some holy water by a monk. Then, unlike in England, you can completely flunk in class, bunk off half the week, don’t bother doing the needed exams and still graduate from grade 12 before getting into some back-alley ‘university’. Amazing, but yes, the Education Ministry has made it compulsory that no student fails, all have got to pass regardless to how thick they are.

5. Police

Thai police may go down as one of the worlds most considerate bunch of law enforcers. The lovely chaps are so kind that even if they find you driving while half-drunk and no license on you, they simply wave you on and wish you a nice day. Of course however, a donation to the cops’ whiskey fund is much appreciated. Then if it’s a foreigner may be kinder yet, especially if the pulled-over foreigner driving offender doesn’t speak a word of Thai and blabbers away his own mystifying language. Not knowing a single word of what the white geezer is trying to say, the cop just waves him on, good-bye. Not bothering to take life too seriously, Thai cops love nothing more than getting drunk while on duty and showing-off their loaded gun to bewildered foreign tourists. Then, it’s doubtful that there are any other cops in the world so considerate of a stable society. Should a man use his leather belt to beat his wife in public, the cops simply see at as a ‘private family matter’.