Life as a Thai Mistress (Part Two)

This is the conclusion to my previous story Confessions of a Thai Minor Wife.

Just how long has it been, since you got yourself into your present relationship?

Quite long, around 2 years. I couldn’t be bothered committing myself to anyone, I didn’t want to be heart-broken again.

So, how did you start dating this current ‘boyfriend’ of yours?

First, I got myself a job at a well-known car company in Bangkok working in the purchasing department and met some new friends. We started going out sometimes but I had changed a lot – I didn’t drink or go to nightclubs so much blah blah blah. I saw that my friends in the company were always complaining about their boyfriends, it seemed that there were very few decent guys in the world. Well, one night one of the big bosses arranged a small welcoming party for one of his foreign customers at a Beer Garden not too far from the company on Pathanakarn road. He invited some of his staff, including myself. I got talking to one of the other bosses from the company who I had only seen around before, ‘Phee Korn’. We got talking about the usual stuff, I thought he was a nice guy and when he asked me for my phone number, I gave him it.

Geez, you gave your phone number to this guy pretty easily. But you told me that you were fed-up with guys, not interested in them anymore etc…

Probably because he didn’t try and hit on me or anything like that, he was just being friendly. He had a high position in the company too, so I thought it would be impolite to refuse him. Anyway, he soon started calling me every day at the same time in the evening while I was in my apartment – he was different.

What do you mean by “He was different”?

A lot of older guys I had given my phone number to before, would just start ‘sweet-talking’ to me like I was some kinda cheap Chinese Doll who thought I would be licking my lips at the idea of going out with them. These guys would start off talking about work, asking me about my job, family, education – being friendly like, then would next ask me about “Do you have a boyfriend?” I would say “No” and then the next thing they would start saying was “Are you sure?” and “Why not”. Just the same script crap I was used to when I was in High School. A lot of these guys had never grown up, were still acting like teenage boys. They didn’t like it when I wasn’t impressed, I think some guys with money get angry when a girl they like refuses a date. Korn was different, he didn’t change from the first time he called, he was so open that I could tell him about my past, family, thoughts and past boyfriend. And unlike most guys, he was sincere when I asked him about his personal life.

Tell us more about his personal life.

Ok, he didn’t want to speak too much but he told me that he was already married and had two kids. Other older guys who would call and chat me up, would never admit that they had a wife already, even though everyone knew. They either think some women are plain stupid or just don’t care (if they’re telling the truth or not).

Didn’t you feel guilty about getting into a relationship with this guy who already had a wife and kids?

Steve, listen. Ok, It wasn’t as simple as that. I want you to understand that we were only friends for a long time ‘I would call him Phee Korn’ as in elder brother. I didn’t feel guilty one bit, we weren’t doing anything wrong. Sometimes he would take me out for dinner alone and sometimes we would go out with other staff from the company. But there was nothing to it. I think that when he was talking with me, he didn’t feel afraid to express his feelings. He could tell me about his work and personal problems, he could be honest with me and speak the truth. In Thailand, people don’t like to talk with someone of the opposite sex about personal problems, I think that is why he liked me from the beginning. He didn’t have to feel afraid to tell me anything, especially about his wife.

Was he having problems with his wife then?

Well not exactly, but from what he told me anyway there wasn’t much love involved. He explained that their relationship was just about him going to work, raising the family and taking care of his wife about this and that. I think him and her were bored, but that’s Thai-style, after you get married in Thailand that’s end of all romance. It’s not the same as ‘Farang’ even when they are 60 years-old they walk down the street holding hands and go on holiday together as a couple. It’s not the same in Thailand.

Let me ask before we go on, about how your relationship with Korn got serious.

We were only friends for about a year, nothing else. I started to like him a lot, he wasn’t like any other guy I had known before. I was beginning to sense that there was some kind of chemistry between us.

Go on…

I remember it was a Friday and he wanted to go out. He had told me before that his wife always expected him back not after 9 o’clock but for that long weekend, she had taken the kids upcountry to her hometown. He felt like going out for a drink and listening to some live music. All his other friends weren’t free that night and so I said I would go along as company. I didn’t think anything about it. We had a really fun night, I hadn’t seen him so happy before, like he could let go of his feelings and be young and single again. We had quite a lot to drink and one thing led to the next and we ended up in a hotel for the night.
After that, nothing could be the same again. The following weekend, he told his wife he had some business away from home and we went to Khao Yai (a national park in Nakhorn Ratchasima province). From then on, I guess we have been lovers, or as we say in Thai ‘I am his mia-noi’.

Ok, so you are his mistress, does that mean he gives you a lot money or something?

Not at all, I have my job and I don’t need his money. I’ve never asked him for a single baht. If he gives me something, then he lays it on the table sometimes. Maybe he wants me to give it to my parents, put it in the bank to save, or buy something nice, But even if he didn’t, I wouldn’t be too worried.

You told me a while back that you have your condo and car. Now, you said too that you don’t earn so much, so where did you get the money for all that, did Korn buy them for you?

No, not really. I didn’t tell you before Steve, but I don’t actually own my own car and condo, it is all in his name. He bought the condo and lets me stay there, same goes for the car, I suppose he just wants my life to be more convenient. Don’t think that I am in this relationship for his money, no way I didn’t care from the beginning for any of his finance. I just liked him for what he is, besides he gives most of his money to his wife. She’s the one who spends all his money, not me.

Can I ask you now, if you feel guilty being a mistress, messing around with a married man?

All right I suppose I do, but you have to understand that a lot of married Thai women would prefer their husbands to have the one mistress than having to visit prostitutes.

Are you being serious?

Sure I am. Anyway, I think she already knows, doesn’t care that much, just as long as he is the one that hands over most of his salary, making sure that he doesn’t go spending much on us. I think she knows that I can give him what she can’t, like good conversation and friendship. I don’t think she really minds, that’s Thai-style, as long as I don’t steal him away making problems for the family and getting a divorce etc..

Most foreigners think that Thai guys only have a minor wife for the sex, what do you think about that?

It’s not true. Ok, me and Korn sleep together but it’s not even a weekly event. I know one other friend in the company who is also a mistress and she says it’s the same for her.

Do your colleagues in the company know then that you are the mistress to one of the directors?

The only people who know are my close friends, I suspect some people are suspicious but they don’t know for sure.

And your family?

As for my mum, dad and brothers – no way, I could never tell them. My younger sister knows though. We are real close so we can talk about anything.

So, what is her reaction to her elder sister living the life of a mistress.

She said that it was my life and that I was the one responsible for what I do. She supports me but I’m sure that she is hoping that one day I find myself a proper husband, settle down and have kids.

What are you hopes and plans for the future, are you going to continue being a mistress all your life?

I don’t know yet. Korn always says to me “Have you met someone you wanna marry yet?” He also says that he doesn’t mind if I split up with him, leave him for another man and get married. He understands what most women want, a secure family and kids. He just advises me that if I do meet someone else that he is a sincere warm guy, who will always love me even after we get married. He says he doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes he made and rush into a relationship with someone, only to find out later that there isn’t any true love involved. I try to tell my parents that too. My mum and dad understand, they would prefer me to stay single than marry a guy who doesn’t really love me.

Do you want to marry Korn one day?

No. I don’t want to break up his family for me. I would really pity his kids, then I would feel really guilty. I may be a bit bad but not as bad as that.

To end this interview, is there anything else you would like to say?

Not really. But I would like everyone to know that even mistresses too have hearts. Not every mistress is the bad one. Sometimes the man needs a mistress, it’s better than getting divorced and breaking up the family like in foreign countries. Most foreigners don’t know, but it’s quite normal in Thailand to be a minor wife.

22 responses to “Life as a Thai Mistress (Part Two)

  1. Yui sounds lovely. I really hope that someday she finds a sincere caring man in the future. My wife told me shortly after we met that a good heart is more important than money or looks. Lucky for me as I have neither.

  2. Yeah.. I agree, I married a guy who is 22 year older than me. I have a daughter (12 years old) with him. we have been together for almost 14 years. Everybody thought I married him for money. But no one knew I love him from the bottom of my heart. Maybe it’s because he is farang. Thai people always think all farang are rich. But I have to say I fell in love with my husband because of the way he look and the rest is an other story.

  3. Thanks Steve for part two it was well worth waiting for. I think a lot of people will learn a valuable lesson from what Yui admitted that she is no different from anyone else. She was driven into a situation where she never intended be when she was younger. If there is any follow up to her story then i look forward to reading.

  4. i heard the same story from a women in Europe and one in the US … not that unusual I guess.

    Remembering the comments from the first part (the negative ones) I really dont see what is all the fuss about complaining / ethics / moral high grounds et al.

    These things happen. its just part of life. she will move on eventually and he ll wish her all the best, I am sure of it.

    cheers

  5. I think she makes a point about not breaking up families and hurting kids the way it’s done in foreign countries. Maybe I’m just not a jealous type person.. but if I was married, I’d prefer a long-term stable mistress to visits to prostitutes or one-night stands. The only thing I see wrong with the relationship is that someone is being deceived. That isn’t so good.

  6. John L. Sullivan

    Steve — an even more interesting followup to your original post. Thank you for sharing this story with us all.

    Seems a bit sad — basically she was attracted to him after being jilted earlier by a younger love, and he was attracted to her because of a loveless marriage. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, especially if the wife is in the know and doesn’t care, but it does seem a bit sad somehow.

    I am curious to know however — does this girl’s boyfriend know that his mia noi is airing his intimate laundry to a farang? Have you met the man? I would like to see a “Confessions of a Thai papa” as a followup.

    Keep up the great blogging Stephen!

  7. Yeah some updates from him would be interesting. I love to meet the guy, he somehow seems to be a good guy ( no moral high ground re cheating, you never know what happens at his home; may be the real wife is beating him 😉

    Hope his wife does not find out – i mean really confronted by the truth – women here react very allergic on that topic. Lots of incidental deaths in Thai Rath every other day!

    5555

  8. Khengsiong Chew

    I, too, hope that Yui will one day find a sincere and SINGLE guy. But I worry foreigners are not in a position to “educate” Thais.

  9. Khengsiong Chew – Can you explain what you are worried about? Which comment did you believe was inappropriate?

    You know, I always think that foreigners come quickly to a judgement about Thais and Thailand – usually in a negative sense. In turn they move on to educate all Thais how things should be done.

    Forgetting that in their own countries many of the things are equally wrong. I tried in some discussions with foreigners to put the mirror on the wall, but then many get offended quickly.

    It somehow seems to me, that we have to endure pseudo-education by foreigners here.

    What do you think?

  10. As always, thanks for the comments.

    Of course, not all Thai mistresses are of the same mind and intentions as Yui and this was re-instated to me by one of my regular readers. She wrote me a mail explaining that one of her father’s mistresses was intent on nothing but thieving all his money and breaking up the family.

    As a follow-up, i wouldn’t mind doing one on a Gigolo. So, if there are any readers out there currently holding such a position, please do send me an email!

  11. This article has really deepened my interest regarding thai minor wives. Are all thais in general open to this idea of a minor wife? Even the younger generation? Or is it slowly fading away?

  12. Are all thais in general open to this idea of a minor wife? Even the younger generation? Or is it slowly fading away?

    Well, in the sphere of my Thai families, looking out in all directions of the seemingly oceans of cousins, I count exactly one person who had a mia noi. It’s entirely possible that there are more cases, but it isn’t very likely. You can’t keep this sort of things secret for very long. So from my experience, mai noi is not common, but it’s got a lot of publicity once it comes to light.

    To those of you male readers: if you think your Thai mia luang would be open to the idea of you having a mia noi, why not try asking her and see what happens? Please report back, I’m curious to know what happens to you. Just make sure you prepare a will and feed your ducks before you ask.

    All jokings aside, I feel this relationship appears as a blessing to the couples, but ultimately, it is tragically sad. It may alleviate the pain of a loveless trap and loneliness, but they are merely painting themselves into a brand new corner.

    It is tragic not from the moral / religious high grounds, but from the human condition perspectives. This triangle simply exemplifies the imperfections of the human situations and characters in all of us.

  13. If you want to completely understand the scene behind this story you may probably track back Yui’s past. I’m sure it is as easy as eating bananas–cake as for your western culture.

    When she was pretty young—a little girl Yui thought she was from a well bred family. Fortunately, she’s got a very attractive appearance of beautiful face with fair complexity skin. So what was the lucky guy that best suits her lifestyle?

    “I am an angel,” she thought when she was a, she thought naïve, campus student. “I am a sleeping beauty being locked up high on the witch’s tower waiting for Prince Charming who rides on Lamborghini Revento to dispel the witch’s magic with a kiss and marry me.”

    In Stephen’s first part story, she said she got a perfect boyfriend to be married with. Then the rest of the story should go like this:

    She had made it an announcement that she’d got a perfect would be fiancé by hanging out with him often and looked down on the rest Thai guys who approached her in a courting manner.

    “You are a bit out of luck,” she said softly. “But I’ve already got a perfect boyfriend. He’s nicer, more handsome and very much, much richer than you are. So piss off, I don’t want to have a degraded reputation of getting along with underprivileged pony. I also hate them stink so much.”

    And she kept saying that and kept saying that and kept saying that to every other Thai guy who approaching in such a manner.

    Long story short, one day when her relationship with a perfect boyfriend broke up, she just had thought that she should keep all the opportunities opened. It was too late. Ala. Every the Thai guy already thought of her negatively of having such a bitchy habit. And what choice did she have, then? She raked through the internet on the dating sites in desperately searching for any nice stranger in hope to grow new relationship.

    But her expectation was still so high. All the guys advertised themselves on the free dating site are all broke (if you already have got a girlfriend you would not advertise yourself there right? – I mean a beautiful farang girlfriend). Then she heard that farang guys are nicer (of course and very much richer) than Thai guys and they would accept her past and would like she to be herself. Then she was looking up for a wealthy farang bloke.

    But she got none contact from a nice farang gentleman searching for sex partners on the internet who willing to accept her rigorously terms of relationship.

    There’s scanty choice left then. What do you think of the rest of the story? Trapping in loveless and loneliness, as Bergen said, she became a witch.

    This shall be a true story that she will never let out to Stephen Clearly or formerly known as Steve Suphan.

    And if over half of it isn’t true, I allow you to lop my head off just like you’ve seen in a video clip released by Al Qeada militants done it to their western journalist hostages.

  14. Personally I don’t see how a broke person could use internet dating sites since you have to pay for registration. I am quite wealthy and I don’t use them, however, and that’s because I’m a very slow typist and any relationship I might start on one would progress very slowly as a result.

    http://fatexpat@blogspot.com

  15. Steve: before I go any further, very very nice interview by you…even though this kind of things have been going on in Thailand, but it is interesting to be able to hear it spelled out for.

    I was trying to sympatize Yui’s side of story and find myself trying very hard to understand her. I really do.

    But when it comes down to it, there is nothing spelled “okay” from what she’s said. I mean, if Thai society believes it is *okay* for males to have *extra* wives then do it under the table. I do not believe in staying with wife to keep the family together crap at all. How can you do that really? On the other hand for the female side, Yui should feel guilty. Yui should not assume that his wife is okay with this whole thing. and you know…I can go on about this.

    Thai women….this interview sadden me. As long as Thai women still have this mentality, I guess, we aren’t really moving forward.

  16. Hi Steve,

    Hope you dont mind my commenting and giving a bit of my history even tho this blog may be out of date etc…

    From one who has been married to the same woman since 1961 and are extremely happy together still to this day, I say that whatever a woman or man chooses to do in their life it is their life and the consequences of their behavior and actions provide experiences all those involved choose rightly or wrongly according only to ones point of view.

    I dont know if my comments here would be relevant or even appropriate but I will post them anyway in the hope that it may give another point of view which is from real experience and maybe help some or none as the case may be but I make no recommendations.

    I dont claim any of it to be right or wrong, only my ‘perception’ built from layers of experience physical, mental, emotional and spiritual which for me is the only truth we can have.

    Even though this is a well known saying “every relationship has its ups and downs” it is very true and the word ‘relationship’ to me means something that happens between two human beings….

    From that point forward we all judge that observed ‘happening’ as right or wrong, moral or immoral according to our own beliefs, experiences, understandings and laws, which in my way of seeing things forms our opinions and perceptions for which we can fight for or not as we see fits our ‘experience’.

    None is right or wrong to me, its all experience and one experiences life as one sees it and in the end no one can judge really as karma or the universe has its own way of dealing with any situation in spite of us..

    In our early married life together after 8 years of happy monogamous togetherness I was shocked at myself that I cheated with a work colleague and believing myself to be honest and open told my wife about it (I didnt know or wanted to know what guilt was then) which broke her heart and at the time I felt nothing, no remorse or feelings of guilt nor did I understand what was happening.

    She retaliated with her own cheating. Long story short we stayed together and we both had affairs over the next 10 years until she said enough is enough and we separated.

    We both went into intense therapy and counseling and found the 6 month separation didn’t work very well so we got back together. It wasn’t easy by any means but we worked through it all until we got to a place where we understood clearly who we were, what we were doing, and what we wanted to experience.

    Since that time we never cheated on each other in the way that people commonly perceive.

    My wife became a mistress over a period of 6 to 7 years at one stage ,with my absolute blessing and encouragement.
    I became comfortable and very happy with her having a lover and friend who could provide for her what I could not.
    The biggest of which was a freedom to explore her own sexuality in complete safety from fear of discovery hurt and pain of separation or divorce from her marriage.

    I was extremely happy and so was she. I did not feel the need to ‘have affairs’ or to even any score as there was none to even, it was a mutual knowing blessing and complete acceptance.

    She thoroughly enjoyed the time with him, not just the sexual part which in itself was extremely exciting and fulfilling without any baggage or responsibilities, but the difference of input, of tactile physical feel and touch, of mental stimulation and energy exchange, and the emotional excitement also of expectation, thrill and fear of the unknown and exposure.

    She had a fear of falling in love also which could damage our relationship, but I had no such fear and continually supported and encouraged her to not worry about it and allow herself to fall in love as I have no fear of her leaving and I would be there for her every step of the way and I was.

    She eventually relaxed and allowed herself the freedom and luxury of ‘having her cake and eating it’ During this time she had a short sexual heady affair with another guy who was a well known TV and radio personality who dazzled her with his fabulous stories of travel and adventure and she fell in love with him.
    She found he also was having an affair with a good friend of hers, which left her emotionally bereft.

    He and her friend are still in a mistress relationship now some 10 years later.

    They are both still friends of ours but mix socially only occasionally.

    My wife stopped being a mistress when her lover married and moved towns.

    She has not continued even though she has my blessing and complete support. She says she has been there done that and she is much older now and it doesnt have the attraction it once had, but I still live in hope that it may yet still have some validity in the future even as old as we are. I aint done yet and nor is she.

    I have no desire to have a mistress myself, I dont feel inadequate nor am I a wimp or pushover.
    I am very grounded, strong emotionally mentally and physically and have a sound spiritual base.

    However I dont consider myself a good lover or very romantic at all so her having a lover suited me just fine.

    Please understand I can take responsibility for what I write , but cannot take responsibility for what you see in my written words and how you may act or react to them.

  17. Well, that’s one whopping comment! Thanks for the read Old Dog.

  18. bangkok resident

    I think that the situation is a matter of social class.

    Prostitution is for poor rural girls looking to feed their families and have a better existence. Middle-class girls would not venture there. For them, the desire is not just a better life but to move up – nice cars, luxury residences, fine dining and shopping, upper-class friends – to experience what is normally reserved for the tycoon’s daughter. The quickest way up is obviously through a guy who is already there at the top.

    Your subject clearly thought she had found her grail in her college bf, but alas class works both ways – the rich want to marry the rich, to maintain their pedigree. No surprises that the guy’s parents sniffle at her for trying to “hook” their precious son. The new gf is probably dad’s best friend’s daughter, someone of equal social standing and quite acceptable.

    The guy, being the baby boy, figures why risk invoking mom + dad’s wrath, just marry the one they approve and life is good. I can find something on the side later.

    No doubt after meeting numerous perfect guys and being dissed by their snobbish families, the middle-class girl gives up. If she wants to still enjoy the jet-setting life, she can, just not as the wife.

    Ultimately the choice is: settle for a decent middle-class guy and be number one (but without the trimmimngs of high-society) or hang with the rich and famous as the mia noi. Take your pick

  19. As a Thai who spent 1/3 of my life living in US, I have seen worse. 80% of my friends here came from single parent family or their parents are remarried. That’s shocking. I honestly admire her for being herself. First,she know what she is doing. she will never want to harm his family by breaking them up. Second, they are honest about who they are. It takes two. If you are going to blame someone. Then blame the man for pursuing her. Then, blame both for letting this happened. Ideally, (yes) being a mistress doesn’t look proper in any society. But it is her life, not any of us. We are facinated with the topic Steve wrote and it is just a piece of reality we’re drawn into. And we all are biased or judgemental sometimes.

    I don’t think any of us as human beings should ever judge somebody else but our own selves. Because you are no better than others. There is no right or wrong doing anything. People view things differently. In general, men can sleep around. If a women sleep around, she will be called “Slut”. What about men? It is a double standard in any society. What I admire about her is some decency she does have (not wanting to hurt his family ) and respect she have for her parents. It is a choice she made in her life. I am sure all of you have made some decision in life you believed all right for you and others disagreed with.

  20. I feel she could marry the guy and live with him, either along with the existing wife or in a separate house, if thew relationship is acceptable to the existing wife. Anyways, the choice is theirs. It was an excellent read and I really feel sad for them. I wish they could remain together somehow!!!!!!!!!

  21. Yui sounds like a honest and sincere person…not fake or “plastic” I really have alot of empathy her, she seems to be a lovely person who wants to do the right thing and is not out to hurt anybody. I wish her happiness and good fortune, she has a good heart and deserves a Man who will appreciate her qualities.

  22. Well Steve, Yui’s story is common the world over. I don’t understand why folks would create a fuss out of it. I come from Africa, particularly Kenya and the story is the same. The rich families try to control their sons and daughters to always marry fellow rich and the middle class want to move to the top by all means. At the same time, the poor aspire to move to the middle class at all cost but in all the above groups of sociaL classes, the only quickest way of moving upwards is through a rich lover. It is both ways for men and women and so Yui should not be villified. Infact in Africa, it is so common for rich dudes to keep mistresses even upto five and it happens among the Whites, Arabs, Asians( Indians, Chinese, Japanese, Indonesians etc) and African communitiess and it has been taken as very normalin my country although by Law it is illegal. The mistresses go ahead and get children with their lovers and the men just make arrangements to educate their ‘extra’ children on the sides without necessarily leaving their legal wives.
    The feelings of the real wives are immaterial. Here, even leaders like Presidents and Prime Ministers have more than one wife yet majority of them are not Muslims but Christians. It should be understood by all and sundry that most ladies on Earth always want to get married to rich, handsome, tall, dark and hunky guys. It does not matter whether the fellow in question is already black African, Sri Lankans or Dravidians from India , they still need them “dark”, tall, hunky, rich and handsome.
    Yui made no mistake of falling in love with a rich guy in the beginning and equally in doing so with Korn after she got heart broken. So Yui should go ahead and even have a baby with Korn if they both feel comfortable with it. It is part of human survival in on Earth and only the strong survive. Not even our abuses, haranguing or criticism of her will change matters or correct the situation. I for once at the age of 30 was left by a woman due to my poverty then when she ‘discovered and fell in love’ with a 56 year old White man who was then a UN Boss in my country but kept her as a Minor Wife in Nairobi while the Major Wife lived in Belgium. Now, the man lives with both his “wives” in Hungary and Belgium but across the border both being in two different countries. For these, I never trusted women until recently when I made up my mind to love again and get married. A friend told me that since am allergic to ugly women, I should go for wife-hunting in Thailand where he’s seen real beautiful women, I chose to find a thing or two about Thailand and landed on your blog. From this story i’ve realized when it comes to women, what happens in Africa happens in the rest of the World. I wish both Yui and Korn well even as I plan to tour Thailand.