The following blog/article was published in The Nation newspaper last Saturday. Here below however, is the originally un-edited, submission)
( Mr Thaksin – set to become the super-hero of Man. City)
Since Mr Thaksin has suddenly realized that he is not exactly the most popular figure in the history of Manchester City Football Club, he has confidentially devised a set of populist policies to boost him to stardom in the North of England. Here below, a Nation exclusive, gathered from a completely unreliable source, is the list of yet unpublished proposals.
30 Pound Beer Scheme
Thaksin, to truly prove how much of an understanding he has for Manchester City supporters, has planned his very own 30 Pound Beer Scheme. 30 Pound Beer vouchers will be handed out to all Man City supporters, at Thaksin designated pubs, each time the team puts in a completely lousy performance and gets thrashed. After getting so intoxicated, it is hoped that the supporters will wake up with such a hangover the next morning, that they will forget about the dismal defeat. Besides just free hooch at Thaksin’s new franchise of pubs, die-hard supporters will be able to relish an innovative range of Thaksin pork pies and Thaksin turnip soup while having the opportunity to play free games of pool.
1 Million Pound, 1 Fan Club Fund
This quite astonishing new policy will allow Man City fan clubs to acquire huge premises in prime locations in the heart of the city. With such a substantial budget, it is believed that flocks of even Man United supporters will be wooed to turn forces and plead allegiance to their once rival club. Influential Fan Club leaders from around the country too, are expected to be running in the direction of Man City to join the managerial team. As the hopeful savior of Man City, life-size statues of Thaksin are planned to be erected at the front of each Fan Club. As a man of true religious faith, Thaksin has asked that large designations of the fund be paid in donation form to local churches too.
Boosting Morale
Should the club, for some bizarre reason be on a losing streak of three matches, supporters will be allowed entrance to the next game for absolutely free. There will be lucky draws at the end of each game too, with a dozen fortunate winners winning a seven day paid holiday to London, staying at one of Thaksin’s very own fully-furnished luxury apartments. Not forgetting the kids of course, Thaksin has advised that free inflatable blow-up dolls of himself, be given out to all the supporters’ children. Furthermore, brand-new video games entitled ‘Thaksin Travels’ are be handed-out – and the kids will be enthralled at the objective of having to navigate the world’s capitals with the hassle of carrying 223 large suitcases.
(Super-duper Elite Cards to be handed out to all Man. City fan club members)
Away Travels
A man of much knowledge, it didn’t take Thaksin too much time to realize the extortionate cost of public transportation in England, thus placing a huge burden on Man City supporters being able to turn out in force at away games. Coming to the rescue though, Man City supporters will be afforded the opportunity to travel for free on Thaksin’s own fleet of super VIP buses. Loyal fans on board will again be treated to crates of beer will enjoying videos of Thaksin’s splendid on-stage performances back there in his home country. Painted on each bus, will be a massive smiling portrait of Thaksin himself alongside a new motto “You know who to trust”. Next, on the terraces, fans will be advised to chant a revised version of Queen’s classic “We are the champions, Thaksin’s friends..ooh..ooh and he’ll keep on fighting til the end da..da..da”
Thaksin’s TV Reality Show
A truly amazing venture, unheard of before in the history of football, Thaksin plans his very own 3 day TV reality show. Located in one of Manchester’s working class districts, supporters will be granted the opportunity to tune in 24 hours day to see for themselves – Thaksin living like a local. Man City faithful will be invited to come visit him directly in order to voice their opinions and discuss future club tactics. To really prove how much of a local lad he really is, Thaksin won’t be bothered with taking a bath, be feasting on greasy fried eggs, chips and baked beans and complaining about the darned weather.
Helping The Poor
Now, everyone knows just how much Thaksin cares for the poor and he will soon be proving his devotion to the under-privileged in Manchester too. Thaksin himself will be undertaking a plan to visit all of Manchester’s slummy areas, and after listening to the grievances of old-age pensioners, single mothers and drunkards he has promised to pay out from his very own wallet, cash sums of money. For the homeless and those in financially dire-straits, Thaksin has further promised to build several ‘super cheap’ housing estates with gaffs available for rent at just 5 pound a month!
Exclusive Thai Visa Service
Proven Man City faithful will be applicable for exclusive 90 day on-arrival visas to Thailand without having to show any daft ticket out of the country. Should any fan wish to stay in the country for longer than that, he will, on only having to prove membership to a Man City Fan Club, be able to apply for a one-year ‘Non Immigrant T’ visa. There will even be a special ‘Man City Supporter’ immigration booth set up at airports so that fans will be able to walk straight through, avoiding the hassle of having to queue up for more than an hour. Thaksin supporting airport taxi drivers will be on hand to give discounted rides into town. All-in-all, Thaksin has promised that Man City fans will treated as well as millionaire Elite Card Holders.
(Mr Thaksin – waving to his beloved supporters)
Heavenly Influence
Thaksin has proven on various occasions his belief in heavenly intervention and so he will soon be in the process of hiring a couple of Thailand’s most revered fortune tellers to advise him on tactical strategies. Even though a few local fans may be completely mystified at such a peculiar antic, Thaksin is looking to import 99 monks to give their blessing before the start of each game and sprinkle holy water on the opponents goal. It has not, as yet, been confirmed, but the chances are players will be asked to adorn a brand-new set of blessed Jathukham-Thaksin amulets during their time on the field.
Selling Man City To The World
A truly born businessman of the highest caliber, Thaksin will, unlike most naïve British club owners, be turning Man City into one of the world’s most watched and supported teams. To gain immense popularity at a global level, Thaksin has vowed to buy local football stars from the likes of China, India, Indonesia and even Afghanistan. Even if they turn out to be completely hopeless that does not matter – but huge satellite ‘pay-to-view’ deals do.
Fair-Play
Thaksin, a wonderful advocate of fair-play, has vowed to crackdown on any inept half-blind referees who make pathetic last minute penalty decisions and especially against Man City. An undercover Man City investigation squad too, will be established to scrutinize any dodgy back-handing transfer fees committed by corrupt-prone teams in the Premier League. To promote Thaksin as having the cleanest pair of hands in the world of sport, his lobby friends in The States will even be having America’s very own David Beckham applauding Thaksin over there, as a revolutionary reformist of sporting anti-corruption.
I, on behalf of thai-blogs, wish Mr. Thaksin the very best of luck.
