(Lotsa groovy bars proposed for the province of ‘Kluaypunburi’)
The mighty United States has just 50 of them, India 28 and big-old China a dismissal 22. The ‘Land of Monks and Mangosteens’ however, though relatively small in every capacity is holder of an amazing …..76!
Unhappy with just 76 provinces, governments have been planning for years to add a few more to the total hopefully pushing it towards the 100 mark! A truly thai-blogs exclusive – I am delighted to blog on a yet unpublished proposal to establish a brand new list of 10 provinces. They are as follows:
1. Nakhorn Farang นครฝรั่ง (The Province of the Farang)
Dedicated to the wonderfully whingey farang ex-pat, this province located somewhere between Pattaya and the Cambodian border will offer everything that the average Farang ex-pat just loves! First and foremost, this exotic province will be laden with the one and only bar-stool. It has been proposed that a huge bar-stool be erected at the gateway of the province in memory of the original bar-stool ex-pats. Besides just the bar-stool, the province will see an abundance of those other luxuries which the ex-pat simply adores. There is to be an abundance of Burger Kings, Mc Donalds, Sizzlers, Aussie and British Fish and Chip Shops and undoubtedly Happy-Hour Bar Beers. Not having to waste money on imported felines from upcountry, each bar beer will be lined with sexy-looking robots programmed to shout out ‘Hello, you very handsome man’ to every bloke who passes by.
2. Kluaypun Buri กล้วยปั่นบุรี (The Province of the Banana Shake)
Located just north of Bangkok, this province (out-of-bounds to ex-pats) will be designed to improve the epic travels of the Western backpacker. Each guesthouse will have the latest high-techology 60” movie screen showing the latest in DVD counterfeit blockbusters. Freebie banana shakes, banana pancakes and Red Bull T-shirts will be distrubuted to each traveller as a momento of their groovy ‘year around the world’ trip. To help make their vacation feel less hazardous – free copies of Lonely Planet guides will be on offer as well as the latest speedy internet connections. The place is to have loadsa jewelry retail shops, squeezed orange-juice, Swedish massage and fake hill-tribes strolling around selling duff-quality silver. For the farang backpacking girls there will be dozens of freakin’ hair-do salons to give them the latest Jamaica or Goa-look to compliment their no-bra outfit.
3. Plortphai Buri ปลอดภัยบุรี (The Province of Road Safety)
For locals and foreigners alike this blissfully safe province will be rid of all the life-threatening absurdities which plaque every other province. Each driver in the province will have his/her driving credentials scrutinized and ordered to ‘respect the law’. A heaven for pedestrians – each passing vehicle will have to stop at zebra crossings, drive at a sane speed and taxis will be forbidded to slow-down in front of you just as you are about to cross the darned road! Mad-monkey alcohol fueled bus-drivers and their wife bus-conductresses are banned from the province – so are huge dangerously erected advertising bill-boards, six-foot deep potholes and head-high live electric cables!
4. Nakhorn Nee Khadee นครหนีคดี (The Province of the Fugitive)
Deidicated to all the nation’s well-off connected criminals who usually run-away to the deep jungles of Cambodia, Laos or even the US, this province will offer each and every fugitive a warm place to dwell without having to spend their earnings abroad. An ID card won’t be compulsory in the province, just a couple of ‘name-cards’ of powerful friends or family will do. A basic compulsory expenditure of 1,000 baht will be required however, so that all the authorities will turn their head and not realize that you are a fugitive and wanted on bail.
(No such atrocities like this on the new island of ‘Koh Itsarasat’)
5. Koh Itsarasat เกาะอิสระสัตว์ (The Provincial Island of the Free Animals)
Situated on a remote island in the south of the country, it will be an earthly delight for Thailand’s endangered species. Local poachers, Chinese pharmacists and all Farang zoo-keepers will be prohibited access. Besides banning Australia’s elephant thieving businessmen, local Thai politicians and their cronies will also be shown the red card thus making sure none of the animals are eaten or cut-up just for fun. The animals will also be free to roam the island without fear of being hired by some corny Hong Hong B-Movie production. All filthy-rich foreign tourists will be forced to pay a high entrance fee with the proceeds going to ‘Save the Thai Elephant’ foundation.
6. Nakhorn Sai Deow นครสายเดี่ยว (The Province of the Spaghetti Top)
A brilliant new province situated just outside Bangkok, the place will be dedicated to every fashion conscious naughty-looking Bangkokian girl. With the Ministry of Culture forbidden from entry, the female population will be free to plodder around wearing what they darned want without having to be scrutinized by fuddie-duddie government officials complaing to how Un-Thai they look. Groovy shopping malls named ‘Siam Sadue’ (Siam Belly-button สยามสะดือ ) and ‘Paragon-tighttop’ will be havens for University and Techno girls to parade around in their flesh revealing costumes or extremely short-tight college outfits. Billboards for nose-jobs, bust-jobs, armpit hair-removal lotions and Sunsilk-looking hair-dos will promoted around town.
7. Nam Thuam Nakhorn น้ำท่วมนคร (The Province of the Flood)
Located in the north of the country, this province will offer the tourist a great opportunity to see for himself the lives of the locals who have to tolerate annual floods which submerge their land and homes. As a momento to a government who last cared about their flood-ridden lives way back in 1969, a huge statue of the last MP to put forward an anti-flood policy will be erected. Since no government has been bothered to compensate any of the flood-infected villagers for decades, all proceeds from the Flood Museum, Freakin Flood Hotel, Friggin Flood Pub and Fancy Flood Souviner shop will be distributed amongst the locals.
8. Nakhorn Non-Active นครนั่งกินนอนกิน (The Province of Non-Active Duty)
A peaceful province to be located somewhere near a border, it will be dedicated to army…. but mostly police officers, who have been demoted to non-active duty after they were caught breaking lawful regulations. With due respect to the officers, a huge statue of a coffee-cup is to be erected at the gateway of the province. After signing-in in the morning and not having to be a mischief to society, the officers will be free to sit around, sleep, read comic books, watch TV, call up their minor-wives and chat about the girls at ‘Siam Sadue’ all day long
9. Rot Kheng Nakhorn รถแข่งนคร (The Province of Mad Racing)
Since a huge majority of the local teenage male population is addicted to illegal motor-bike racing to the horror of others, a brand new province is to be established especially for them. Free from traffic police, traffic cones, pedestrians, zebra crossings and darned red-lights, the racing-obsessed boys will be able to rev along the streets 24 hours a day wearing no helmets – should they wish to endanger their lives in such pathetic manner – that is their business. Old flimsy green Bangkok buses and their nutty drivers will also be permitted to join in the fun too with human-sized plastic dummies of old farang tourists placed in the middle of the road for them to run over – all for fun.
10. BuddieMaew Buri บัดดี้แม๊วบุรี (The Province of the Cronies)
A haven for government cronies, this province will be designated a tax-free zone – in fact no-one will have to pay any money whatsoever to the country’s national budget. Banks from remote unknown places such as the Virgin and Bikini Islands will be invited to open branches and afford worthy advice to cronies wanting to sending their corrupt-cash out of the country so escaping the prying eyes of the media. Even though part of the province will be a national park, all inhabitants will be permitted to encroach as much as they wish and still charge foreign tourists an extortionate entrance fee.
Authors Notes: This blog has been written for entertainment purposes only- all of the above is completely infactual and not to be taken serious.