How To Be…..A Trendy Thai Teenager!

What a heck of a B-Day I had last Sunday! I downed a couple of bevvies in the afternoon with a few Thai and Farang buddies of mine to celebrate getting older and more wrinkly and went home in the early evening to go out for a B-Day dinner with me wife. Next, after running out of the shower at the site of a huge ugly splattered toad laid flat dead under me foot (accidentally trod on the thing!) I did the manic thing and fell head over heels down the stairs. Now, it was not funny. I was in so much agony the following morning that the local bone doctor had to been brought round the house to decipher for himself whether I’d be able to walk again or not. The latter verification prevailed but yours in name here was sofa-ridden for the next few days with a muscle-injury of the spine. Got another slight injury too, but I’d rather keep details of that to myself thank you!

Great place Thailand! I had the doctor running round the house twice to give me a couple of injections to kill the pain, download me with pills, listen to my whims and moans and sign one of those forms which read ‘I, a certified doctor, verify that Mr Steve (this time around at least) is not bunking off work because of a hangover’ all for the awesome price of….470 baht! Just wonder how much that kind of service would cost in say….The US?

So, it’s back to blogging after a week off, with this one – How To Be A… Trendy Thai Teenager!

Brought up in Bangkok these days, it is statutory, in order to ‘be trendy’ to get yerself a place in one of the capital’s ‘hip’ schools. It doesn’t matter whether you are as thick as a plank of wood or a complete delinquent, the best-used tactic to ‘get a place’ is what we call in English ‘The Flash-the-Cash’ method. Of course, offering a bundle of money under the table is forbidden, unknown of and completely illegal in The Land of Smiles – but… a donation is not. A brand new set of computers, air-conditioners or a passenger van bought by daddy for the school will soon secure a place at any fancy school going by a coooool Christian name by the likes of St. Josephine, St. Barbie, St. Virgins or even BNHB (Bkk’s Nice Holy Boys’ School).

Next, being a trendy kid; it is essential to look pretty smart too and that means getting yourself a decent enough GPA at school. Even if you are too busy ‘being trendy’ after school to manage any homework it doesn’t matter the slightest. Just have daddy call up your homeroom teacher and ask her to teach you one on one for one hour a week at her house. You will soon be amazed at the way your GPA rockets sky-high when good-old dad gets out his wallet and pays the tuiton fees! Another ideal way to secure yourself top grades without actually having to get to class, do your homework or be polite to your teachers is once again, by the generosity of your parents; buy the school a couple of big fancy cans of gold paint to sparkle up the school plaque (hung on the school wall outside) which reads, ‘ISO 9001 Accredited’.

On attending a fancy school you will soon be kitted out in a trendy school uniform with a huge school emblem stitched on the front shirt pocket thus distancing yourself from the other loser kids who attend some run-down government school which is located up some dirt-rag alleyway. This is Asia kids, the copy-center of the world, so it is mandatory to decorate yourself in what they say in Thailand as ‘Grade A Copy’. Forget all the crappo counterfeit clothing the western tourists buy at the likes of Pratunam or Chatuchak Market – you have to find yourself the ‘Hot Copies’. Hunt around a bit at Bangkok’s flashier markets and you’ll soon be offered some groovy Prada, YSL or Marco Marciano fake bag to carry around, making you look like the daughter of a prime minister! And thinking about such a subject – get a friend like that and you may even be able to pass the University Entrance Exam into Thailand’s top University with a school GPA of just 2.45 – incredible!

Being a trendy kid, it is advised to have ‘an idol’ to look up to. Now of course, you don’t want anyone thinking any absurdly scandalous thing such as “Is that a countryside girl?” oh….no, no! So, just make sure your idol is some funky North-Asian superstar, and not some fuddy-duddy Thai Country Music Singer! Idolizing a Japanese superstar is going a bit outta fashion these days, so if you wanna be super-trendy – find yourself some Taiwanese or preferably Korean hunk to worship. Most of your neighbours or even your parents won’t have a clue to who your Kim Il Sung look-alike idol is, but that’s not the point, but being trendy is! When you have found the idol of your dreams you next have to join a fan club and buy (with daddy’s money) all the miscellaneous junk that they are flogging off at outrageous prices. Then, if you find out through your fan club that your idol is coming to Thailand, it is essential to get to the airport three days before his flight arrives, sleep outside the terminal and post up as many pictures of your idol as you possibly can. When you see his plane approaching at 500 feet start……screaming!

Now, if some Korean hunk isn’t your cuppa tea, then nevermind – Thailand, now has it’s very own Korean look-alike wanna-be singers (see pic above) who go by the name of ‘Golf and Mike’! Now, Mr Golf and Mr Mike may look like a couple of complete plankhead bozzo boys to any sane-minded adult, but that’s not the point – adults are so frivolously old-fashioned that they don’t even know where Korea is on a world map. Even if you are as ugly as sin, you can still, as a male, be a trendy-kid by getting yourself the latest ‘Golf and Mike’ hair-do! Any trendy hair-do gaff over at Siam Paragon will give you a cooool Korean-style ‘Golf and Mike’ hair-job, but it’s expensive. If daddy won’t part with his well-earned cash, then just go stick your head in the family dish-washer machine, apply some good old-fashioned reddy-brown boot polish to your head, and mix in thoroughly. Finally, apply some of yer granny’s lipstick to your mouth for a finishing touch.

This is the beginning of the new millenium and that means time for…. ‘Men’s Rights’! Once upon a time, the world was completely unjust and it was only the female species who could doll themselves up, spice on a bit of perfume and get a Barry Manilow Nose-job. Now, being a trendy-male kid these days, you too can splash lotsa cash on such frivolous beauty items. Wanna find yerself an adorably skinny, milk-coloured Hong-Kong looking trendy Bangkok girlfriend? Well, just pop down your nearest beauty shop and stock up on the latest goodies such as ‘Whitening Lotion For Men’, ‘Hair-Chest Free Cream’ and ‘Nifty nail-sets’.

Now – what about hang-outs? Stay well clear from any of the trash poor markets where all the country kids go and head for the likes of Siam Square, Siam Paragon and Siam discovery. It doesn’t matter whether you have spent all your pocket money on your idol’s posters, badges and spunky-smooth hair conditioning gel you can still hang around on the steps at these trendy joints with your pack of friends, swear at each other all day long while laughing at some wretched looking Farang English teachers who work at the nearest branch of ECC Schools. Then, if you are darned fortunate you may be approached by some ‘maew mong’ (modelling agent) who needs some trendy kids to pose for some corny catalogue, or even better; some trendy kids’ TV commercial! Be warned though these areas are thriving with other trendy kids competing with each other who do nothing else….but, walk up and down in front of Siam Discovery 12 hours a day every weekend hoping to strike it lucky and be approached by some modelling recruiter!

And finally, do not go and do the completely NOT trendy thing and have daddy find you a part-time school holiday job at some fast-food gaff as is being promoted by the present government. Could you imagine the sight of yourself actually having to serve someone!? Such low-class chore is for those born with bad karma!

And finally, since myself and the webmaster of – Mr Richard, have been inundated with thousands of fan mail (well…perhaps just a slight exaggeration), we finally did the appropriate thing and opened up my own thai-blog’s spin-off website Since yours in name would rather spend his well-earned cash drinking beer and seeing the bone doctor it was decided to use the paknamweb server for free!

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