“He fought like a man so he could become a woman” – Still from the Thai movie Beautiful Boxer
Thailand here has many-a glorious site to feast ones eyes on, besides just a million temples, two million taxis and three million noodle soup stalls we have the one and only ‘Thai ladyboy’. I had decided to stay away from such sordid topic til our cute little regular-commenteer friend from Indonesia here put in the query of ‘Can Richard or Steve write a blog on lady boys? – i just wanna know all the ins-and-outs about such a fine species’. Well, since our Webmasting friend Mr Richard is busy blogging to the likes of every Thai custom and superstition under the sun, Koh Changs’s gruesome garbage piles and how to be a respected teacher in Thailand, its me instead who has had to put pen to paper and give yous all a behind the scenes adventure into the goings-on of that…. lusty Thai ladyboy.
Ive certainly had a ride of laughs during my decade here in the ‘Land of Monks and Mangosteen’ but nothing has made me crack-up as much as the site of the Farang man finding out that his future ex-wife wanna-be used to be, in fact, a man.
I can recall the very sad and sorrowful tale of an English guy a few years back who after meeting his darling in Pattaya decided to turn the relationship into a serious one. So, our English buddy here spends the next one and half years sending his loved one wads-a of cash, building for mum-in-law a spanking new house and enjoying quarterly year trips to visit his cherished beauty. Since our English friend here could not cope with the anguish of having to live a life alone in Boring Britain decided to propose marriage to the love of his life and take her back to his home country. That was until….the day of the interview at the British embassy.
After the officials had listened seperately to the backgrounds of the lovers, the officials promptly realised that perhaps our English laddie here was getting more than he bargained for. So they took the guy to the side and said “Mr fellow Englishman and law abiding citizen…..we have decided NOT to afford a fiancee visa to your future ex-wife because her passport in Thai language reads ‘Mr’ and not ‘Miss’, do NOT make a laughing stock of us here at the embassy, asking us to afford a fiancee-visa to a man! you must darned well know that British law hears nothing of such a despicable thing!
All the other visa-hopefuls that day had the more than laughable opportunity of witnessing our English friend here running round the embassy carpark for the next half hour booting his darling up the bum and shouting to the likes of “In the name of the Queen i have never been so humiliated in the whole of me life!”
Once, when living down in Krabi a long long time ago my Dutch buddy asked me to go with him to Patong, Phuket for a few days and since my friend here enjoyed the bar life i was soon following him up and down the main strip stopping at a few bars for a bevvie. Next, whilst sat at one bar at an awful time of the day, something like noon, a ladyboy on standing outside the bar was in a brawling match with this darned big Israeli guy on the other side of the street cursing each other to the likes of “Stop your mouth or i put my high-heel over your head” and from the former Israeli solidier: “Just you go back to your village and ride a buffalo”.
After ten minutes of this verbal abuse the Israeli walks off and my Dutch friend on knowing this ladyboy asks her “What was all that about?” to which the ladyboy replied. “After spending last night with the guy, I just….this morning, decided to tell him that i was a ladyboy”.
Now, our ladyboy friends down there on Phuket are well-known for one thing.. and that is flashing their ‘works of operation-parts’ at a whole host of pedestrains walking by. After a few farang grannies and grandads had almost died of a heart attack on seeing such private parts exposed, the Patong police decided to make such an offence illegal, and posted up a few warnings in Thai lingo to the likes of ‘Any ladyboy caught flashing her watermelons in public will be prosecuted and fined: 500 baht’
Beyond a question of doubt, zillions of Farang have a fascination for Thai Ladyboys and to prove it you only have to look through the viewing statistics and refering search engines of thai-blogs.com. Whilst our dear webmaster friend here Mr Richard scores lots of new readers who have posted ‘Grand Palace Photo’ or ‘Spicy papaya salad recipe’ into a google search engine half the refering searches to my blogs can only be called ‘sizzlingly saucy’
On top of the most common decent ones i get, number one (for sure)are viewers who ask for info to the likes of ‘Thai girlfriends’ and second most popular has to be ‘Thailand + Lady boys’.
Then, it astonishes me the inumerable amount of Farang who are unable to differentiate between an actual girl and a ladyboy! So for all you readers, here is some advice… on ‘spotting a ladyboy':
Be suspicious to the likes of any supposed girl standing at the height of 6 foot 2 with an enormous chest and bulging biceps.
Beware of any husky voice asking to the likes of “Hello honey, where you go?”
And be real darned suspect if she has bigger feet than you and legs that look-like those of David Beckham’s
Even so, many of our ladyboy friends are pretty stunning to say the least and in places like Pattaya, are undoubtedly far better looking than most of the bar girls from Buriram. Talking about the height of them again, I am amazed to the high percentage of Thai men, who on being ridiculously tall, decide to have a ‘sex change’ and become a ladyboy.
On becoming a ladyboy it is essential first, to seek a change in your hormone system and so all the ladyboy wanna-bes can be seen popping into their local pharmacies and purchasing a whole years supply af that ladies’ medicine; ‘the pill’. While the doctors recommend consuming just one-a-day, the ladyboy wanna-bes are scoffing them down at the rate of 5-10 a day. Next, the ladyboys on needing to slim down are terribly reknowned for taking a daily dosage of the world’s most potent ‘slimming pill’ and that is ‘methamphetamine’ (Amazingly, a few crooked doctors in The States have been caught prescribing this drug to ladyboy wanna-bes over there, under its medical name: Desoxyn!)
Tonnes of the ladyboys are addicted to this stuff, and so many a Farang who on in enjoying the bar scene down there in Patpong, Khao Sarn or Phuket are warned to be darned careful on any dealings with a ladyboy, yes stacks of them are suffering from the ‘madness fever’, and im not exaggerating!
Once upon a time i had a decent ladyboy friend of mine over there on Ratchdaphisek who was working as a make-up artist. I asked her one day to the likes of “What do your folks back home think about you?” to which she answered “They don’t know im a ladyboy, in fact every time i go home i wear a big baggy jacket to disguise me chest and tell them ive long hair cause i play for a music band”, and im not joking.
You may have wondered what happens when one of the insane pickpocketing ladyboys is jailed. Well, they get banged up in the girlie section and certainly not the male section. As the randy male inmates would be mouth-watering in delight at the prospect of a big-ballooned ladyboy as a jailmate. As for toilets, of course the ladyboy uses the female one.
Then there is the question of ‘military service’, what an embarrasing sight it would be for the Royal Thai Army to have a lipsticked ladyboy guarding the border with all the Khmer soldiers on the other side staring into their binoculars and having a right darned laugh at such a saucy spectacle. And so, when the army on ordering a Thai male citizen to surrender to their recruiting office, a thorough inspection has to be made to the health of the guy.
Of course, many a recruiter has been not-so-surprised to see the likes of a ladyboy walking through the door. Now, its army policy that the authenticity of the ladyboys’ chest and underparts be analysed and classified ‘real’ by an army doctor before she is exempt from military service. As for any ladyboy wanna-bes who use tennis balls to fool the on-lookers, they are not, and are soon forced to serve the compulsory two years.
Ive been asked on a few occasions to – what happens to a ladyboy when they are past their sell-by-date ie. too darned old to be of any use anymore. Well, the answer is, just the same as any other normal woman and that is selling grilled pork by the side of the street, cutting hair or dealing in lottery tickets. as for the physical attraction of one! i’ll let your imagination get the better of you there!
Then finally, I remember the classic newspaper headlines in the Thai Raj newspaper a couple of years back that read ‘Accountant to sue hospital for the mysterious disappearance of his diggery-doo!’ It seems that the pitiful accountant who on going for a back operation at a darned well-known Bangkok hospital was the victim of a despicable doctor cock-up after his ‘operation details’ got mixed up with those of a ladyboy wanna-be’s! So, for any of you male readers out there wanting to have an operation in Thailand – you have been warned!
NOTES: Since this is a ‘family’ related website it has been decided to postpone the popular VOCAB FOR TODAY section this time round. As for the reasoning behind this, I’ll leave that to your own imagination’
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