Do run up the nearest hill and not go look for the sea if you see that the sea isn’t there, it will come back, it is a scientific fact.
Do get rid of that big hairy moustache, you won’t get a part on a Bollywood movie here.
Do, as a guy, ‘dress-up’ when going to a disco and not wear shorts, your hairy legs will not impress the local girls.
Do be careful when walking along a Bangkok street at night, falling down a manhole is not a memorable experience.
Do as the locals do and barge your way on to the bus, you don’t need to be stood at the bus stop all day.
Do realise that the Bridge over the River Kwai ought to be pronounced ‘Kwae’, you don’t want to inform the locals you are off to see the Bridge of the Buffalo.
Do, as a girl, not sit next to a monk on the bus, the poor fellow does not need to dash off the bus at the next stop.
Do cover up or put on repellent, allowing the mosquitoes to bite you for the fun of it, isn’t a very wise idea.
Do put on a strong sun-block on your first day at the beach, you don’t want to resemble a tomato.
Do eat out, the guesthouse cuisine is as close to original Thai food as Pizza Hut is to Italian.
Do watch a Thai movie, they aren’t as bad as you think.
Do go for a 100 baht haircut, you will be impressed by the service.
Don’t bother showing your map of Bangkok to a tuk-tuk driver, he doesn’t even know where Thailand is on a world map.
Don’t jump into the big water container when taking a shower, it for water to be scooped out of, not for you to dive in to.
Don’t, as an American brag about everything American, the Thais prefer everything Japanese these days.
Don’t, when finding a dead chicken cook it up for dinner, you don’t need to come down with the Chicken fever.
Don’t walk up and down the beach bare-footed, Thailand’s creepy-crawlies are not the world’s friendliest.
Don’t go wearing one of those big farmers’ hats in Bangkok, you don’t want the locals to have a right laugh, at your expense.
Don’t complain about the hotels’ standards here in Thailand, you won’t exactly get a $15 room in your own country.
Don’t complain about Thailand’s politicians, ours aren’t exactly worth writing home about.
Don’t go popping any chemicals before entering a Bangkok disco, you don’t need to be pee-pee checked by the local police.
Don’t, when going to a disco take home a girl you have just met, you don’t want to wake up to find an empty room.
Don’t go walking across a zebra-crossing without looking both ways first, you don’t need to be the recipient of a nasty hospital bill.
Don’t go complaining about the standard of acting on Thai TV, it isn’t the actors’ fault they are that bad.
Don’t go putting a bottle to your mouth without wiping it clean first, you don’t know how many dogs have mistaken it as a small tree.
Don’t go dozing off underneath a coconut tree, you may not live to regret it.
Don’t arrive at the airport on an over-stay with no cash left, you don’t need the company of 200 cell-mates for the next few nights.
Don’t take a Khao San Road upcountry bus, you don’t need one of their villians to go through your luggage when you are asleep.
And finally, don’t feel insulted by the word Farang, it is not derogatory.
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