Gimme a break…… Part Two

In the second part of ‘Gimme a break’ I thought I would write about the exploits of another bunch of ‘gimme a brain’ criminals, the foreigners. You would imagine that us foreigners would be perhaps a little smarter when it comes to illegal activities, but the is not always the case.

Even Hambali (The Bali Bomber) and head of the terrorist squad The JI, who having the brains to blow-up a couple of discos, didn’t have the brains to realise that may be his phone calls home from his flimsy apartment room in Ayutthaya would be traced.

Before the arrest of Hambali, I laughed in amazement when our beloved prime minister explained to the country “There never have and never will be any foreign terrorists residing on our soil”. Perhaps the PM was rather busy vacationing abroad or playing Hi-Lo across the border in Cambodia when the biggest terrorist plan ever to executed in Thailand was thwarted at the very last moment just a few years ago.

It all started out when an Arab terrorist squad spent the best part of a year planning to bomb the Israeli Embassy in Bangkok. The plan, the ID, the size of the truck bomb was perfect, until: on the way to the embassy while driving the bomb along Chitlom Road the truck accidentally hit a motorbike-taxi-driver. When the terrorists-to-be attempted to speed off, the infuriated moto-driver leaps in front of the truck and refuses to let the terrorists-to-be leave until they have forked over compensation for the smashed-up bike. The terrorists to be, completely baffled, bahtless and not speaking a word of Thai didn’t have a clue. A right bunch of spectators came to witness the scenario and when the police arrived on the scene the terrorists-to-be fled, leaving behind their truckbomb in the middle of Chitlom Road, as for the terrorists-to-be, they were never heard of again.

Talking about ‘Israeli’, I do remember the story of an Israeli guy who just last year on leaving Israel, pledged to family and friends “Im going to kill that girlfriend of mine”, what is exactly what he did do. After fulfilling the mission, instead of fleeing the country, decides to report her missing at the Israeli Embassy and stay at his and her hotel as if nothing had happened. One plus one equals two, and after being caught carrying a massive suitcase out of the hotel by security camera in the odd hours of the morning was very soon arrested. In court he came out with a ridiculous pledge of “I am innocent, but I will plead guilty if you let me do my sentence at a prison in Israel” the judge replied “Certainly, in another 6-7 years, perhaps.

Then there was the story of an English guy last year, embarrassingly from the same town as me, who after just having arrived in the country with a few thousand ‘pills’ sewed into his trousers, decides to pop a few himself for the fun of it and run around Sanam Luang shirtless swearing at the vendors. Bewildered by the antics of the guy, the police arrested him for not wearing a top and seeing him on a certain ‘high’ soon did a body search before being paraded in front of the cameras in time for the evening news. Obviously still ‘high’, the guy smiling away had nothing to say but “I only wish I had seen more of the country. I wonder whether he still laughing away now as a long-term guest of the Corrections Department.

Talking about ‘plans’ or a lack of one, there was the story of a few Russians in Pattaya a couple of years ago, who after having robbed one of the town’s banks at gunpoint then had to make an escape. As the area had been blocked off the Russians went and bought a brand-new speedboat in cash to make their dash. While on the beach it soon occurred to them that petrol was needed to start such a mechanism and were soon rushing back in to town to buy some. In the meantime the speedboat salesman had heard the news about a bunch of reckless Russians at the bank and called in the police. The Russians got about 200 meters out to sea before being caught and later paraded in front of the cameras wearing only their briefs.

Last but not least is one scenario that I actually witnessed within the very first few months that I came to Thailand a long long time ago. I won’t exactly call him a criminal but somewhere along the lines of ‘quackwack’.

Staying in Krabi Town for a while I usually had my breakfast at the May&Mark restaurant there. One morning, in walks this Dutch guy who on sitting down ask for a glass of Champagne. He was told that they didn’t stock such a beverage so orders a cup of coffee instead. Next, he goes to the bathroom and before long we all hear him taking a shower and singing away to himself. Very soon however, he is banging away at the lower panel of the door, breaks it and crawls out covered in soap. Completely stark naked he walks out of the restaurant and is seen running up and down the road singing Dutch football songs while shaking his ‘thingy-a-bob’ up and down. Of course, the police show up and after a quick shuffle is heaved into the back of the cop pick-up and taken to the police station.

It was found out later, that when he was being questioned, decided to Bruce Lee style the cops’ TV set. Banged up for a couple of weeks in Krabi, his mom arrives to escort him back to Holland. At May&Mark restaurant she was seen in tears when she learnt the truth and quickly set off for station to pay his fine. As the police weren’t too pleased about having no TV to watch, before he was released, his mom had to go buy the station a brand-new Sony 24’’. He was never heard of again. So, next time you come to Thailand don’t go scoffing special mushroom pizzas, as this guy as it was later known, had consumed just one too many on Koh Phi Phi.

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